One Reason a Day
by cryom
Summary: One-shot. Post 5x10. Harvey just resigned. Mike got arrested. And still Harvey's biggest concern is how much he needs Donna.


**Author's Notes:  
1\. I know that there are spelling/grammatical errors in the story, I've done some edits but if I don't get it out now, this will never be submitted. I hope this doesn't turn out too badly...  
2\. I started writing this soon after 5x10, but never found the motivation to keep writing. The fact that this got finished is a courtesy of all our Darvey authors who have never stopped writing even after all the show has put us through. Thanks for the inspiration!  
3\. I've got nothing against the Mike Ross (actor/character), but it has been very frustrating to see the writers use the same "cliffhanger" over and over again. After so many seasons, I really don't care if he gets caught. Or not.  
**

* * *

If he could have a do-over, he swears he would have done everything differently.

Everything that has transpired in the last decade would have taken a different path.

Perhaps, in an alternate universe, he is the perfect stay-at-home dad, the trophy husband to the ever-talented, multiple Tony award winner, Donna Paulsen.

It scares him, somewhat, that the dreams he's been having about her have become less sexual, and way more... clothed. His latest painted an image of them out on a picnic at Central Park with two red-headed children.

He wishes he was still there in Central Park. The reality is far worse than his dreams. He is currently sat outside the interrogation room of an FBI office, waiting to talk to Mike, arrested on one count of conspiracy to commit fraud (that he knows of). The woman in his recent dreams is with Rachel, who had a breakdown when she saw Mike arrested by the elevators. Jessica and Louis are strategizing back in the office to deal with the potential public relations nightmare the firm is about the face with this upcoming investigation.

It could not have come at a worse time. His resignation will cause the firm's clients to rethink retaining Pearson Litt (sans Specter) as their attorneys. Mike's arrest and subsequent negative publicity will ensure the firm lose all these clients. He needs a miracle.

"Mr. Specter," he hears a voice calling him. The voice belongs to a lady who is striding towards him, powerful, a few agents in tow. "I heard that you're here as Mike Ross's counsel? Anita Gibbs."

He shakes her outstretched hand. She seems completely unfazed by him; her expressions unreadable.

"How long are you planning to hold him without an attorney?" he finally asks. "He has a constitutional right –"

"Mike Ross has not been questioned. We have processed him, and you can speak to him now," she states simply. Her demeanor is calm and relaxed, a stark contrast to his uneasiness at facing the biggest attack on his firm yet.

He is escorted to a room where Mike is seated. He seems much paler than Harvey remembers. He takes a seat opposite his client.

"Is Rachel okay?" Mike asks.

"Donna's with her," he replies. It doesn't surprise him anymore that Rachel is the first person Mike asks about. "Everything's being handled," he tries to reassure Mike, but even he can hear the uncertainty in his own voice. It's been a long day.

"Harvey, I want to thank you for everything you've –"

"No, Mike," Harvey counters, his features stiffening. "Remember when Woodall went after you? I want you to do the same." He refers to the time he told Mike to point the finger at him.

"Harvey, I cannot put you or the firm through this," Mike argues, watching the cameras that are monitoring the room closely. "You didn't know."

"That's –"

"I will retain you as my counsel," Mike interrupts. "As long as you promise to enter a guilty plea."

"I won't do it, Mike," Harvey counters.

"Harvey, you don't get it," Mike argues. "I'm entering a guilty plea with or without you. So you can either do this as my friend and my lawyer, or –"

"I can't let you do that," Harvey cuts Mike off. "Any of it."

"It's not up to you, Harvey. And I'm the client."

"And when have I always done what my clients want?" Harvey asks, getting up from his seat. "These are federal charges, Mike. This isn't some stupid mock trial."

"Harvey, listen to me," Mike insists. "It's time I take responsibility for my actions."

A knock interrupts their discussion.

"I take it you have conferred with your client?" Anita asks.

"I have. But we won't be answering any questions until tomorrow," Harvey states. "It's 11:30 pm at night and my client needs his rest before any further questioning."

"You're stalling," Anita counters.

"No, if you insist on questioning my client before I get here tomorrow, I'll have you sued for violating his constitutional rights to counsel and for using coercive tactics for interrogation."

"Mr. Specter, don't you worry about that. That is not how I do my lawyering; actually, I don't plan on interrogating your client at all," Anita says. "I have secured a warrant that will allow the agents to go over every file Michael Ross has touched as an alleged fraud and we will do whatever it takes to bring everyone involved in this conspiracy to justice. Consider it a good-will gesture that I'm letting you know now. We're coming for your files tomorrow."

Harvey's jaw clenched as the woman turns on her heels and walk away. Everyone involved in this conspiracy... Donna.

"Harvey, I told you. Let me do this," Mike says, drawing his attention back from his thoughts.

"Mike, please don't say anything to anyone until I talk with you again tomorrow."

"I'll try, but I cannot promise that," Mike argues. "If I can work out some deal to save the firm, I will."

"That's my job," Harvey says. "Sit tight until your arraignment tomorrow and please don't say anything."

* * *

Nothing is going right. He calls Donna to find out where Rachel was. He isn't supposed to be the bearer of such bad news. He isn't used to this role, but he seems to be playing more and more of it than he'd like these days. Ray hasn't said a word since he picked Harvey up. After working for him nine years, he certainly knows when Harvey is not in the mood to talk about anything. The sights of the ever-so-familiar street come back to haunt him. He opens the broken (again) main door before taking the stairs to apartment 206.

He hesitates a moment before knocking. Faded memories of the other time flash in his mind, and he hates that he cannot remember the details of every feature of her no matter how hard he's tried. It has been over a decade since –

The door opens and the light from inside the apartment brings about a glare. He studies her for a brief moment; sometimes he forgets that when Donna isn't in her heels, she's shorter than he is.

"How is he?" Rachel rushes over as Donna invited him in.

"They're looking at the whole firm. They have a warrant for everything at Pearson Spec... Specter Litt that Mike has worked on. They're coming for the firm tomorrow morning," Harvey says. He had to silently remind himself that now is not a good time to talk about his resignation in front of Rachel. "Mike's arraignment is tomorrow."

"You have to help him," Rachel pleads. He contemplates telling her Mike's plans, but seeing her current state, he decides against it.

"I am doing my best," Harvey tries, but it comes off weaker than he had expected.

Rachel detects the uncertainty in his voice and launches into a sobbing tirade at him. He can barely make anything out, other than the fact that she is accusing him of not trying harder to help Mike, that he only cares about protecting the firm at this time.

Some of her accusations aren't wrong, Jessica's interest is to protect the firm. And he knows from personal experience(s) that she would do whatever it takes to keep the firm from sinking. The firm always comes first for Jessica. And Louis. He could hear Rachel accusing him of some kind of personal agenda. It is at that moment he realizes that no one at the firm who knows about Mike's secret is suited to defend him.

In the middle of that mess, Donna ushers him out the door, feeling that at some point, he has been on the receiving end of her friend's harsh words for too long. He sighs as he hasn't even told Rachel about the other warrant for Mike and Rachel's apartment yet. He sees Donna pulling Rachel into a hug just before the door closes in his face.

He swears the numbers 206 will haunt him for the rest of his life. In moments like these, he really wants to pain to end. But there is always a situation waiting for him somewhere and he has to leave things as they are. He hates the sense of helplessness he is feeling.

* * *

Ray drives him back to his condo. He quickly discards his suit jacket and his tie en route to his room. He feels a need to shower desperately, as if he needed to clean the day he's had off him. He's confused, and for the first time in his life, he's too far out of his comfort zone. Everyone he knows is in danger of losing everything because he chose to hire Mike Ross.

Maybe he should lose everything and be that trophy husband after all. Her talent could really carry them forward...

He shakes off any lingering thoughts he has on the matter, feeling guilty for having that fleeting thought of him and Donna, when he should really be thinking about ways to save Mike and the firm.

The idea comes out of nowhere. He could potentially shield everyone from liability by admitting that he hired Mike Ross knowing about his lack of a law degree and lied to everyone about it. No one else ever knew about this situation. No one had the need to ask because Mike was really good at his job. It is arguably the best idea he has had since his willingness to resign to keep the firm out of Forstmann's crosshairs. He could save the firm. Mike and Rachel's relationship. And Donna.

He's been doing that a lot lately... Sacrificing himself for the greater good. Perhaps that is what therapy does to people. It seems to have made him more considerate.

He throws on a T-shirt and a pair of track pants. He needs some alcohol fast.

* * *

The sight he sees the moment he makes his way to the kitchen is one that brings a smile to his face for the very first time that day. He thinks he is dreaming, his heart feels a little warmer than usual when he sees her sitting in front of his fireplace with two glasses of scotch laid out on his coffee table, one on each side of the cactus she brought him a while ago, his father's record playing in the background.

This is where they belong.

Being Donna, she merely gestures at his open couch next to her without even turning around. He obliges.

"How's Rachel?" he asks, reaching for what he assumes to be his glass of scotch.

"She's finally asleep." She glares at him as he wonders what he has done to deserve that. There have been so many things he screwed up lately he has trouble keeping track of all of them. He can't seem to get anything right when it ccomes to her.

"Good," he shrugs that nudging feeling off.

They both listen to the soft sounds of the saxophone playing in the background.

"You left," she breaks the silence.

"I had to. It was the only way –"

"You left **_me_** at Pearson Specter Litt," her emphasis is clear.

He isn't sure what to make of her expression. Hurt? Anger?

 _You left me first when you went to work for Louis_. He notices another change from therapy as he doesn't say the first words that come to his mind with regards to her. They've fought enough in the last few months to last a lifetime (in his opinion), and they really do not need to rehash old and settled arguments. This is one of those times. Instead, he goes with, "Forstmann wanted to end my career. Not yours."

"Please, Harvey, the career I wanted ended the day I turned down the role –" she stops mid-sentence as she realizes that she has probably said too much. This conversation is escalating too fast, and is nothing like the one she rehearsed a hundred times while trying to calm Rachel down and on her way over here. It has been that kind of day for both of them.

"What?" he asks, surprised by her sudden admission. She used to talk about her auditions back in the DA's office, especially when she first moved to his desk. He is slightly annoyed by the fact that he remembers most of them vividly, more so than everything they did during the infamous other time. "Was it that off-Broadway play where you get to play the witch?"

He can tell that he surprised her. Clearly, she hadn't expected an ADA to pay attention to what his secretary was saying back then; just like she has never expected anything more from him in the last decade or so. He tries to understand the reason she chose to stay with him, to follow him to Pearson Hardman, and his heart skips a beat when he truly understands for the first time the sacrifices she has made for him. In comparison, it dwarfs his plan to turn himself in.

"It was never going to work out," she hedges as she gulps down the last of her scotch.

"That's not true," he argues as he watches her help herself to a refill. "With your talent, you would have won several Tony awards by now. A household name with a trophy husband to boast of." He doesn't mention that he would be the trophy husband.

She laughs slightly at his statement, but he sees the flash of regret on her face before she hides it. "It's always a risk. And I didn't want to risk a perfectly stable job that pays pretty well for a role where I could be fired when the understudy does a couple of good shows. Or when I'm forty and am no longer fit for leads," she says as she retakes her seat, just that much closer to him.

"Donna, that's just not true. You're beautiful and you could play the lead well into your fifties, even sixties," he says, and chugs his scotch. He cannot look at her as he isn't sure what he might do next. So he gets up to refill his own glass.

Facing away from her, he finally gathers the courage to say, "I'm going to turn myself in."

"What?" she almost shouts at him, as he hears her footsteps shuffling towards him.

He doesn't turn to look at her. Instead he focuses outside his window and says, "Rachel was right. I started this, and I can get him out if I –"

"You can get Mike out without jeopardizing yourself."

"If I do this, I can keep Jessica, Louis and Rachel from being implicated. I hired the kid without the degree, I should be responsible for keeping everyone out of harm's way," he couldn't face her. It would have been too much.

"I don't hear Mike complaining about the life he's had since he's been a fake lawyer," she counters, trying to find an angle where he couldn't shy away from her. "You might have given him the chance, Harvey, but –"

"Mike deserves his fairytale ending with Rachel," Harvey says, finally looking at her for the first time, noticing her red-rimmed eyes. He always hated it when she cried.

"What about me?" she asks.

"I'm doing my best to keep you out of prison," Harvey admits. "I can get everyone off the hook easily, but they're going to wonder how a kid without a degree and an appointment got an interview with me in the first place. The only way I can protect you is by turning myself in and saying that Mike impersonated someone else. I hired him without all of you knowing."

"That is bullshit and you know it. They will still say I drew up the paperwork for someone who wasn't on that interview list. I will still be implicated no matter what, Harvey," Donna rationalizes. She is right yet again.

"I can't have you in prison, Donna," Harvey tells her, his shoulders slumping slightly. "I promised I will never let anything happen to you."

"Then don't do this," she tells him while fighting back tears. "I let you hire Mike. I can –"

"Don't even think about it," he warns. "You didn't know I hired a kid without a degree until his first day. This isn't your fault and I don't want to hear that again. I can't be a lawyer because Forstmann is going to keep coming at me. All I can do is everything in my power to keep you out of jail. I need you to be... you."

"And who am I without you?" she asks, her tears finally starting to flow.

He frowns at the question. She has always been the more... definitive one between the two of them. She is the one with answers, the one who can hold her own whenever he's let them down. For her to ask him this question makes her seem so... vulnerable. That, is a word he has never, ever associated with Donna.

"You are the most amazing woman I've ever known," he speaks sincerely. "You're the strongest, fiercest, most loyal person I've ever met. And I would never have gotten my name on the wall if it weren't for you. You are independent and you don't need –"

"I need you."

It is an unexpected confession on her part. He can hear his heart beat faster, his stomach lurches in a way he has never truly understood before, and he wants to kiss her. But their conversations and their situation at work have been so complicated lately that he takes two steps back instead. He needs to put space between them before he tears down everything he has been trying to rebuild with her since she left to work for Louis.

He has grown so much since she left...

He been so selfless, so unHarvey-like when it comes to her. But he knows he has always been uncharacteristically selfless when it comes to her:  
i. Breaking the law for her...  
ii. Giving her everything she's (n)ever asked for...  
iii. Respecting her rule no matter what...  
iv. Not risking her, ever...

And this moment of clarity hits him harder than it should have. He should have seen it coming when he wouldn't agree to join Pearson Hardman without her. He should have seen it when Louis questioned her during the trial run. He should have seen it when they actually told each other "I love you". He should have seen it in their interactions every god-damned day.

He is in fact very deeply in love with Donna Paulsen.

After a drawn out silence, he finally admits, "Donna, you'll always have me."

Even after everything they have been through, he can hear the ambiguity in the words between them. He realizes how much he hates this uncertainty. He wonders if he should wear his heart on his sleeve, just as he notices her surprise at his words. She can tell when he is being sincere and she definitely knows that he meant every word he said. Whatever those words meant.

"You cannot go to prison, Harvey," she pleads, the crack in her voice betraying her state of mind. "You cannot lave me at Pearson Spec–" she pauses as she reminds herself of his resignation. "Pearson Litt."

"Donna, I will never leave you. But I don't know how else to help Mike," he says. He doesn't realize how close she's gotten. He runs his hand through his hair, looking out the window into the city's skyline. "I owe it to him and Rachel to at least do something to help him."

"Then do something. Anything except jeopardize yourself," she pleads. After a brief pause, she adds, "Because I will still take that bullet for you."

It scares him when he hears those words. They remind him of that time when she shredded the memo for him, even when he didn't ask her to. She will never put him in harm's way, just like he would do whatever it takes to keep her safe.

"Okay," he promises without a moment's hesitation.

"Okay what?" she presses.

"I will figure out a way to help Mike without turning myself in," he assures her. "But you have to do something for me."

She nods without hesitation; he remembers how much she has sacrificed for him. And how much more she is willing to give up for him.

"Promise me that you won't do anything reckless to protect me or Mike." It is the only way he knows how to keep her safe. "I won't turn myself in. I won't jeopardize myself. But I cannot do that if you get in trouble trying to help Mike." He pauses as he watches her reluctance grow. He knows that they all want to help Mike, and he's being unfair by asking her not to. He studies her, and knows that she's about to fight him on this and adds, "because if it ever came down to saving you or Mike, I'd pick you. **Every**. **Single**. **Time**. Donna, I would pick you and I won't even think about helping Mike."

He sees her shaking ever so slightly at his words, and he wonders if this is even a good time to talk about them. To face their issues head on without the rest of the world looking on.

The universe seems to have other ideas. Her phone rings before he could say anything else.

"What?" she asks over the phone. "He confessed?"

She puts the call on speaker so they can both hear Rachel. "Mike just called me and told me he's going to confess everything. And he said he's going to call off the wedding. I don't know what to do..."

"Come here, Rachel," he hears a man's voice comforting his troubled law student. It hits him then that Donna must have called Mitchell to keep an eye on her friend. He's tried so hard to convince himself that Mitchell isn't real, that she made said boyfriend up to put some distance between them before he found himself.

Suddenly, the walls of the room seem to be closing in on him and the air in his condo feels much thinner.

"I'm going to have to call you back, Rach," Donna says, as she notices Harvey's troubles. "I think Harvey needs medical help."

She makes her way towards Harvey after abruptly hanging up her phone. He does not seem well, and he struggles to find his footing. She's worried about him as he hears her say something about a 911 call.

"Pan... It's... panic..." he struggles to articulate the words. He's almost at the kitchen sink.

He throws up and she's by his side immediately. Her hand reaches for his arm and he feels a sudden rush of calmness come over him. His breathing starts to slow, as he realizes that the only real cure to his panic attacks is to have her by his side.

"It's just a panic attack," he tries to brush it off.

"It's not just a panic attack," she chides him. "I found out earlier when Louis recorded your coversations. I just didn't know how bad it was."

"It's not as bad as it looks," he tries to placate her concern, but he can tell it's not working. "I just –" There was no way he could finish that sentence: I just had a panic attack because I found out your boyfriend is real. "It gets triggered sometimes."

"Did your shrink at least help you figure out what triggers it?" she asks.

He isn't even surprised that she has somehow found out about Dr. Agard. Donna always has her ways, and even if he hadn't told Gretchen or anyone else, she will always find a way to get the information she needs. He really doesn't know if things would be better between them if certain things were left unsaid. But he knows she is far too concerned right now if he says nothing about his panic attacks.

"It started when I had to accept that you weren't coming back to work for me," he states, trying to hide certain words that may escape from his mouth. "I still get them from time to time, it's really not a big deal."

He can tell that she knows he's not telling her the whole story, and that she's trying to figure out what else he isn't saying. It is only a matter of time...

"It was you, okay?" he says, throwing his hands up in defeat. He remembers how he used to hate it when she could make him admit to things just by looking at him. "You were here accusing me of leaving you, and then he's –" he runs his left hand through his hair. "You're still... I... Just the thought of –" Not being able to form coherent sentences is definitely not a good look on him. "Look, I can't do this!"

"Do what?" she asks, confused.

"I can't love you if you won't let me!" he almost yells. There is no holding back now. "I've tried so many different ways, Donna. I've really tried. I've tried flirting with you, I've tried interfering with your dating life, I've punched out Stephen and I've waited and waited, playing by your rules for you to realize that there isn't anyone else I love more. I have even told you outright and still you left and you're with him! I can't do any of this anymore, Donna. I can't watch you live your life with Mitchell while accusing me of leaving you at the firm and asking me not to. And I can't tell you to walk away because the thought of you not being with me is what sends a panic attack my way! I –"

"Harvey," her voice settling him down immediately. She stills his arm as she tries to explain. "I haven't seen Mitchell since we broke up. Weeks ago. That was my brother you heard on the phone." She sees it then; that brief moment of happiness and relief flashes in his eyes. "He's staying with me for a few days since he just got a new job in the city."

He shifts slightly as he waits for her response.

"I... I should go check on Rachel," she finally says, walking to grab the purse that she set on his couch earlier.

"Donna, wait," he calls out to her. He knows exactly what she's doing. "Donna, after all I just said... All I get is you walking away again?" he questions. He has made the mistake of not pushing her in any way at all in all the years they've been friends, and he doesn't want history to repeat itself.

She halts in her steps after hearing his words. She spins around and she sees him waiting. She can see it in his eyes, the determination to not let things slide like before.

"Love me how?" he can hear the frustration in her voice as she repeats her question from the day she thought about leaving him for the first time in over a decade.

He doesn't even try to hide his smirk. There is no way this is going to play out like that night his world imploded. He has replayed this scenario is his head so many times since she left that he could answer her question in his sleep. He picks an alternative.

"I know you don't think this is a good time to talk about us. I just resigned, Mike got arrested and there is a shitstorm waiting for us at the firm tomorrow," he watches as she merely nods in agreement. He tilts his head slightly, just like he always does when he's with her and adds, "I can understand the instinct to run away from whatever is happening in here. Hell, I'm an expert in running away from emotional situations."

"Harvey, I'm not running away," she cuts him off before he can say anything else. He can see the cogs turning in her head. "You're not answering the question. You're stalling like you always do. And you're right, this is a terrible time to talk about us, especially considering how we have come so far to be friends again since –"

He has to stop her as she starts making her way down the hallway for the exit. He is getting tired of watching her walk away from him.

"Donna, it's never a good time. Something's always up at the firm. And despite your irrational fear of losing me if we had everything, or the fact that you can't decide if you wanted everything with me, you know right now that I have no problems answering your question. It's why you're trying to leave," he says, overtaking her easily and stopping her in her tracks. "You are afraid because you're not ready to hear the answer."

"I –" she struggles to deny.

"Given how long we've known each other," he starts, after having to block her escape yet again. "I can explain to you a thousand different ways just how I love you right now. But I'm not going to because I'd rather tell you a reason a day every day for the rest of my life. That is how I love you, Donna."

He always loves it when she smiles. This is all it takes for him forget just how shitty his day has been.

"Well, I really should go and check on Rachel," Donna says, leaving Harvey slightly confused. He was so certain that he got through to her. His heart beats faster as she leans in closer to him. "But I'm expecting your very first reason tomorrow."

He doesn't hold himself back as he leans in to kiss her.

Things will be so much better starting tomorrow.


End file.
